Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
constantly working on myself.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.