You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.