Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”