Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…