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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The asteroid..
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I enjoy a good short stor
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card