Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.