Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains