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#FireSomeonePolitely
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
car not found
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
They’re on their honeymoon
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back