There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?