People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
You Might Also Like
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
just got my engagement photos
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
not seeing the problem
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?