“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.