A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A ghost story
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Unimpressed
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.