Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Holy moly
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.