detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”