Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.