*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
#Caturday
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send