FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Planet of the Apps.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
lmfao come on