Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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This is my cat’s medicine.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?