I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of