God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You Might Also Like
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.