plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
You Might Also Like
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.