Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t