“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
They also CAN sing✌️
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea