“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
just pretend nothing happened
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Probably my best painting.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance