Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool