Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
this is 10/10 content no notes
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Writing, She Murdered.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.