what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You have been warned.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers