Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!