Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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when revenge coincides with naptime
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?