[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.