I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better