TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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Flowers bee like
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?