My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You Might Also Like
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
That’s easy for you to say
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.