I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[montage of me giving-up]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”