I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
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Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
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A Candy Cane.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.