Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”