Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
You Might Also Like
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”