I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.