In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
You Might Also Like
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Not muting your mic is the new reply all