If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter