What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome