I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.