I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Did I do this right
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.