An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
You Might Also Like
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.