I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
when dads have a rap battle
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I can’t deal with men any longer
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something