Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Hank is one in a melon.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce