Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF