The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Good point.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.