Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?