The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
This is my bus stop.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything